Sometimes the obtuseness of the American people is hard to fathom. Tens of thousands of Americans have died and 20 million have lost their livelihoods because we don’t realize that the solution to COVID-19 is right under our noses. Granted, it’s a two-part solution–some crises are more complicated to deal with than others–but a solution nonetheless. For just as with hurricanes, poverty, terrorism, and all those other “isms” that bedevil mankind, the answer to COVID-19 is to increase military spending and cut taxes.

I shouldn’t have to explain why–these truths are self-evident–but I will indulge your ignorance all the same. There’s nothing we can’t bomb into submission. It has worked time and again–and don’t give me that leftwing claptrap about how nuclear weapons can’t divert a hurricane, or how the wars in Iraq and Afghanistan haven’t made us safer: they can and they have. Whether or not a big enough bomb exists to vaporize Coronavirus and eliminate it from the Earth is unknown only because Democrats and the United Nations won’t let us conduct the requisite tests (this is what we need, not those pointless COVID tests that anyone can get).

My plan to reopen the economy, therefore, starts with weapons tests, followed by rapid deployment of the Big One. To be fair, the Big One will cost $5 trillion to develop and manufacture, but we can prevent that trivial expense from increasing the deficit with solution part two: cutting taxes. We know that only the rich can create jobs; the more taxes they pay, the less capital they have to deploy into job-creating investments such as yachts, mansions, and private jets. Now look where we are, bailing out the airlines and cruise industries like communists because the Democrats refuse to lower taxes to zero and billionaires can’t afford to create jobs. It’s bad enough we had to pay money directly to the takers through the stimulus as though we were Sweden or some other backward country; now we’re engaged in full-scale corporate welfare.

I propose the following. We must in short order quintuple the budget of the Department of Defense and cut taxes on those earning more than $1 million per year to zero. In so doing, we will eliminate the threat of Coronavirus while ensuring that the DOD has money left over to deal with hurricanes and the like (hurricane seasons is coming!). Then, as the wealthy have the liquidity they need to reinvest in their communities–stock buybacks, tax havens, and other productive uses of capital–the jobs will come roaring back. Next, as those jobs surge and unemployment reaches -5% (the Liberals don’t even realize it’s possible for there to be more employed people than there are people; such is their unwillingness to let the free market perform its magic), the taxes levied on low and middle-income families will generate the revenue to balance the budget. (With, of course, an elimination of communist programs like food stamps, Obamacare, unemployment insurance, social security, and Medicaid and Medicare).

Finally, the virtuous cycle can blossom: as the wealthy get wealthier, they create more jobs; the workers earn a little more and the rich get richer, create more jobs, etc., until all the takers become makers, everyone is a billionaire, and no one has to pay taxes or be subjected to Soviet-style regulation like minimum wages or pollution controls.

American Dream fulfilled. The End.